We put our kids in a local school almost a month ago.
The almost six-year-old is in prepa, the equivalent of kindergarten, while the almost four-year-old is in preschool.
It’s their second time attending school since we came to Costa Rica last August. Their first was a private international school of some repute just outside the city of Heredia, where many middle-to-upper-middle-class Costa Ricans send their children.
Instruction was in English although most of the children were native Spanish speakers. We thought this would make for an easier transition than a full-on Spanish school.
While my little girl was thrilled, my boy, the older of the two, was miserable. The academic standards seemed unusually high for his age group and from the outset the teacher made a point of telling us our boy was behind the other children in drawing and writing — something the children were expected to do every day, over and over, with great precision.
The day the teacher told me she was keeping him behind during recess so he could finish his work, I cried. I was torn between feelings of disappointment that my son was seemingly behind the other kids and outrage that he was being punished for not meeting someone else’s arbitrary expectations at age five.
After three months at the school, the improvement in his drawing was astounding and he was speaking basic Spanish to the other kids. But when we told him he would no longer be attending, because we were moving to the beach, his relief was palpable. I hadn’t seen him that happy in weeks.
After a month of doing nothing but playing in the sand and swimming in the waves, and another month enjoying the company of his grandparents along with a few fantastic nature outings, my boy and his sister started school again.
The school we chose this time is completely different. It’s located in our rural area and is about one fourth of the size of the other school. Although private, it is a fledgling operation that has far fewer resources than the previous school the children attended. Almost none of the teachers speak English (which I prefer because my goal is to see the children become fluent) and its standards and expectations seem way more relaxed, almost to the other extreme.
The kids spend most of their time on lame workbooks, drawing links between objects that match or memorizing the names of colors — something my boy knew by age two.
And surprise, my boy is miserable.
He’s stopped crying when we take him now but it still breaks my heart to see the sad look on his face when we pull away. And every day we pick him up he complains about going, saying he wished school was just one day a week.
He just wants to be at home, where he can be free to dress up “like a disguise” and go on adventures, shooting at imaginary “thuggies” with the stick he’s made into a gun. He’s discovering so many new things and learning about the world around him — even if sometimes it manifests itself in bizarre ways.
The other day, we went on a hike near our home to an abanoned piece of property where a hotel was once to be built. On this sprawling piece of land there are stone walls and pathways that were built but no buildings as construction was obviously halted before it got to that point.
The area is almost like historical ruins that have been overgrown. The property is now used as grazing land for horses and cows and consequently, there is dung scattered everywhere. My son dubbed it “poop city” (not surpising given his latest obsession with all things poop and pee related). He asked a million questions about why animals poop outside and we don’t. Later, after we came home and he and his sister were playing outside, I discovered he had squatted outside and pooped on the ground.
At first, I freaked out, thinking there must be something wrong with him. Then, I remembered the questions he had been asking earlier, about why animals didn’t use toilets. I figure he was exploring and wanted to know what it felt like to poop outside. Amazing, really, that he would want to experience this first-hand.
But I digress.
I’ve gone from worrying that my boy is learning disabled to worrying that he’s incredibly bright and not challenged enough. He’s my oldest, so I’ve not had the benefit of seeing what a child this age should be capable of and outside school, we’re never around other kids his age so I have no comparison of how he measures up.
All this has led me to question entirely the concept of conventional schooling, and whether it serves our needs more than those of our kids. The idea of warehousing my boy, in a place that does not value individuality and places rules paramount to personhood, for the next 12 years leaves me feeling nauseous.
Yet, I know I don’t have it in me to home school. I love my kids and I am great at cooking, cleaning and kissing booboos. But when it comes to play time and learning, it’s my husband, the teacher, who does all the heavy lifting. And as you can imagine, being a teacher, his viewpoint on the whole schooling issue is vastly different.
I came to Costa Rica to become more engaged with my children. And I have. But I will never be the supermom who can put all her own needs above those of her kids. Nor do I think I will ever feel completely self-assured in this area of my life; that the decisions I make for my kids are the right ones. But then again, does any mother?
And for now, I will continue to send my boy off to school every day because I do believe with conviction that learning a second language is something that will benefit him in the future.
But Grade 1 is looming. And if my son continues to feel this way about school, it’s going to be a long 12 years.
I have issues with the whole concept of convincing or making a child do something with the implication that ‘you’ll thank me for it later.’ I think the real question is who he’s going to school for – for himself or you?
And if he does become fluent, will he (or does he) go to a bilingual school in Canada? If not, it is likely that he’ll lose the fluency if the skill is not used (I used to be able to read Bengali but no longer). Then would making him do something that his heart is not into be worth it? This one year is the opportunity for an amazing, life-changing and life-affirming experience, and how much of that will be affected by the inherent limitations of pedagogery? (btw, Trish was a teacher too, in the South Bronx)
It’s hard not to question schooling when it is very apparent that every single person is different. No one is the same, no one learns the same. One-size-fits-all approaches rarely fit any one person very well. (Can you imagine how unsexy those boots would be if they were one-size-fits-all?)
Thanks Arp. I have started giving much thought to your point of view and trying to understand the philosophy behind unschooling. I am very keen to meet you guys and learn from you, although I don’t know that I am convinced yet on its merits. At least not for us. For someone, or a couple, who are able and willing to put in the time with their kids at home, teaching them, unschooling might be the way to go. But what about people like me? People who want the best but know they aren’t capable of doing the job at home . . . Then there is the anecdotal experience of my husband, who has seen negative impacts (at least in his mind) of home-schooling when these kids go from that environment into a conventional school.
As for the fluency issue, yes, my son is enrolled will be attending biligunal Spanish school when we return to Canada and my daughter the following year. The one thing I am very sure of in this whole kid/parenting/future thingy is that speaking other languages opens up a whole new world.
We were among the unconvinced at one point too. When we started looking into homeschooling, we heard of the radical peeps who had unstructured days and no regular lessons, and we wondered how that was possible? It was after reading ‘Dumbing Us Down’ by Gatto that I believed in it. But it still took almost a year before I really got it as I had to shift the school-oriented mentality that I was raised in. This was thanks to ‘Parenting a Free Child’ by Kream. More recently, I read a book called ‘Mindset’ that, without knowing it, pretty much espoused unschooling.
I dunno if I consider what we’re doing ‘teaching’. We spend a lot of time with them and when our son has questions, we answer them or look them up to learn together. When we’re in the grocery store I often explain why I pick one thing over another if it relates to price. If we’re looking at a plant I can start a discussion about photosynthesis, or the food chain or something else. The things to remember are 1) children are innately curious and want – nay NEED – to learn, and 2) learning happens all the time, even if the activity doesn’t seem educational.
As far as the anecdotal experiences, you’ll only remember the bad ones as the ‘good’ ones would blend in. I know that there are enough bizarro homeschoolers (like religious nuts) who give the rest of us a bad name, the people who are keen on avoiding society for their antiquated & fearful reasons. In my experience, every unschooled teen I’ve met has been unusually mature & self-confident – two traits I definitely want my kids to have.
I’ve also noticed that the teens are usually very good and attuned to my kids since they’re not corralled with others in a narrow age range. I’ve never had a job where everyone was the exact same, and I can’t imagine that spending years with just your age group is good preparation for ‘real’ life. Plus none of my jobs have had the immature social bs like high school.
Great on the bilingual school, btw – an extra language does make a big difference. I didn’t speak English until I was 5, though we lived in NY. I suppose fluency would be tangible proof that something was learned here? We should get together soon – sounds like we’ll have a lot to talk about
ive learnt over the years that parenting is a lesson for us all. i never believed we be one of those families with schooling ‘issues’; probably why we had them. one size doesnt fit all. my oldest never had issues with conventional school unitl her mid teens, my middle child had issues with school in her early primary years. for each we had to address the problem differently. For the eldest it was homeschool , but only for 6 months until her school of choice was ready to take her; an unconventional university high school. But those 6 months were a revelation for us both.wow! time opened up like it never had before, it felt wonderful, all this time with my child to engage. Id never really been that into it before as the time available was in packets, i was busy getting to the next task but with her now in the loop, it all changed. Id recommend it, I also learnt that her ‘education’ to that point had come mainly from me anyway, Id explained so much about life, ethics, politcs, environment etc that her teachers had been amazed at her breadth of knowledge. At 6 i reckon he’d be just fine with a home ‘curriculum’; education is not bums on chairs.
Hey guys.., As you know my son is 3 weeks older than your son.., and we noticed several personality similiarities when they were toddlers. My son loves structure, but complains everyday about going to school. Yet when I speak to the teacher, he is a great student. My son is always singing, so I signed him for music lessons, after a trial session.., which he absolutely loved.., but every time just before the lessons starts, he gives me the gears about not wanting to go., but at the end of it he totally loves it, is singing for days afterwards.., so I can’t help but think it’s the age and the love for complaining and trying to make Mom feel bad.
With that being said.,. I am surprised you put them in school during this year.., as the biggest learning experience is their ‘big adventure’ in Costa Rica.., with Daddy a teacher he could spend some time on the beach, reviewing letter sounds, letter formations, numbers etc., so they don’t fall behind and when you return they can catch up to the school system then.
So pull them out and LOVE the next 3 months!